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Our habits support what strategies we can use for effective communication. Consider the conflicts and frustration you experience every day. If you objectively observe these communication experiences don't be alarmed to find 98% of them are habitual communication breakdowns. Meaning, it's predictable that you will react the same way every time you encounter a specific stimulus (Think difficult co-worker, demanding spouse, and whiny children for clearer visual). Most people never examine their habits when they're trying to resolve conflicts, triggered into frustration, or become upset over innocent comments. Our habits tend to run us, like we're on automatic pilot just reacting to whatever turbulence we encounter. Still worse, unexamined habits prevent effective communication because we unintentionally inflame them by using strategies not coherent with our habits. I call this Communication Frustration because that's often the result for everyone involved when the following 3 habits take over our conversations. Habit # 1 - Moralistic Judging of Self and Others This habit implies wrongness or badness with people who don't act according to our values and desires. The habit of moralistic judgements includes language such as "You're selfish", "He's lazy", "They're jealous", "She's not smart", "It's inappropriate", "That's rude", "That's not right", "That's wrong", "They're bad people", "She's a good person". Other forms of judgements include blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticisms, and diagnoses. The focus of moralistic judgements is always on who IS what by classifying, labeling, and dichotomizing people and their actions. Habit #2 - Comparing Self and Others Pointing out how someone is deficient or lacking in some way are the focal points when making comparisons. Other ways of making comparisons are "You always", "He could never", "She deserves better", "I'll do it myself", "You're not fair" , "I'll never be like", "It wasn't meant to be". Making comparisons is very concerned with rationalizing who deserves what. Determined by what happens to us and those we care for. Habit #3: Denying Personal Responsibility for Self and Others Convincing others we aren't personally responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is the focus of this habit. Language we use to deny personal responsibility often includes "My boss says I have to", "I can't do it", "You make me angry", "She told me I could", "Nobody helped me", "I yelled because", "Why do you do that to me". Believing we're powerless given the choices available, we expect others to take responsibility for our our emotions, unspoken expectations, wants, and behaviors that we claim we couldn't control. It's not a matter of if we do these things, but the degree to which we all do them. How are these habits showing up in your life? Are you comparing and manipulating to get your spouse, children, and co-workers to do what you want? Are you denying responsibility for your thoughts and feelings? Are you making others responsible for your actions and commitments? Are you using company policies, rules, and management to deny responsibility? Remember you're not broken, but your strategies may be.
Article Source: http://www.go-see.info
Life Strategist John Reisinger, can help you learn remarkably effective communication skills. Deepen your conversations with those you love and work with and experience Remarkable Living.
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